Posts in the Humor category

Why People Read My Blog (according to Google)

According to Google's Webmaster Tools one of the more popular search terms that leads to a click on my blog ( is “Sandpaper porn”

Sandpaper porn!?!?!?!?!?!

I’m at a total loss for words. Here’s the funny ones…

  • Milkshake racing game (Race that milkshake!)

  • Bruised coxix (Ow!)

  • Sandpaper porn (Double triple quadruple ow!)

  • 2005 fully clothed sex (Not as much fun as 2007 fully unclothed on the balcony sex)

  • British dish mush (Hey, my cooking’s not that bad)

  • Accidental pee drunk (we’ve all been there…)

  • Diuretics peeing a lot (Yes, yes, they do…)

  • Musclewomen porn (Lots of muscular women fans out there) (Very popular in India and Turkey, apparently)

  • Muscle woman porn (Some of them don’t like groups though…)

  • Pain receptors drunk (The best way for your pain receptors to be)

… and a couple of poignant ones:

  • “How to commit suicide using Unisom” (I’ll leave that one alone)

  • “Scientist Lost” (Like Milton’s Paradise Lost, but geekier)

  • “Books are good enough, but are a poor substitute for life”

I get a scary number of hits for sandpaper porn. Must be some kind of meme going around.

For those interested:
2005 Fully Clothed Sex takes you a follow-up post I wrote on a post of mine describing the Rules Behind Teen Movies (Not Quite Teen Movies). I’ll let you figure out the others yourself…

    Of course, this is all going to horribly skew things now, because I've made a recursive reference to the search terms in my blog. Yikes!


    Funniest drug warning ever

    From the website..

    You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

    (MyAlli is a drug designed to help you lose weight by blocking enzymes that digest fat...)


    Overheard in New York

    There's a site out there - Overheard in New York - which collects things people overhear in passing. You know, random conversation snippets. (It has a few sister sites too - Overheard in the Office, Overheard at the Beach... and there's another unrelated one called InPassing). It's amazing what you pick up if you just keep your ears open. Here's a few of my recent faves.

    Five-year-old: Daddy, I don't wanna see Spider-Man 3.
    Dad: Come on, why not?
    Five-year-old: I hate the black Spider-Man.
    Hobo: That child is racist!

    Old man: My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don't ever waste an erection, even if you're alone.--Restroom, York Theater

    During trailer for horror movie where young girl peeks in door of creepy house and says, 'Hello?'...
    Thugette: Why they be goin' into some abandoned-ass house like that?
    Thug: 'Cause they white.

    Lady: I had the worst experience at that restaurant.
    Friend: What did you have?
    Lady: Horrible diarrhea.
    Friend: I meant, what did you order?

    Frat boy: ... And I don't really know what happened! All of a sudden I was in an orgy... And you know what? It wasn't even all that good.

    Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
    Little kid: Retarded!
    Kindly gent: Retarded?
    Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
    Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
    Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
    Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]

    There's sort of a game you can make out of this too. It's called Tomato Funeral.


    Word of Yesterday - Love

    ('cos I didn't do one yesterday, so this is to catch up... plus bonus definitions...)


    1) The incontravertible feeling that the universe will get sucked into a black hole unless you're with a certain someone.

    2) Knowing that whatever someone else does, no matter how bad, no matter which species they do it with, you'll still hold their hair back when they're throwing up.

    3) The main mechanism of reproduction for trashy paperback novels.