Jesus and Schrodinger | Accidental Scientist

Jesus and Schrodinger

This was on Digg today:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/08/conservapedia_founder_takes_on_the_notorious_liber.php

My response?…

John 4:46:And lo he sat by Schrodinger’s bedside.
“Schrodinger… that’s a good Jewish name.”, he said and laid his hands upon the box by his bedside.

John 4:47:”Why is thine box ticking?”, the Lord said.
“That, Messiah, is a Geiger Counter,” he said, and wept.

John 4:48:”Why do you weep, for I am the son of God, risen again and here to save you?”
“Well it’s just that I put some poison in there too. And Fluffy.”
And Jesus wept, for Fluffy was Schrodinger’s cat. A calico.

John 4:49: “Well this is quite a quandary”, said the Lord. “For this cat is both alive and not alive, dead and not dead. In fact he is far from the light of my Father.”

John 4:50:Schrodinger thought about this. “You mean…”
Jesus stalled him. “Yes. Spooky action at a distance. There are unknown variables here.”
“But I thought your father was omniscient?”, said Schrodinger.
“He is. But the problem is this.” He kicked the box, and it shimmered in gold and red, like a desert mirage.”… the wavefunctions have not yet been resolved. They need to collapse. The only way we can do that is by opening the box.”

Jesus gently pulled his foot out of the sandal, which was now melted half into the box.

John 4:51″Oh Lord, what shall we do? Fluffy must be getting hungry in there, and the Gods…”
Jesus glowered at him.
“I said you were Jewish. Monotheistic. Are you some kind of Egyptian plant? Do you report to Herod?”
Schrodinger looked down, admonished by the Son and the Word. He mumbled back… “… Trinary …”, but the word was lost on the wind.

John 4:52 “We shall open the box on the third day. That way we will know if Fluffy is alive or is dead.”
“Or if Fluffy will scratch us to pieces.”
“We shall not shake the box; Fluffy will be fine. Besides, quantum entangled systems such as these exhibit a decoherence of mass in the local system which means that gravitational forces and moment are smeared throughout the whole of the probability point cloud for the dynamics of the system.”
Schrodinger: “But what if Fluffy is dead.”
Jesus scratched his chin.
“No worries. There was once this guy in Bethany, and he was out for four days when I brought him back. Mind you, he was quite annoyed. Nightmares for weeks.”
“It is agreed.”
“I should hope so. I don’t just go around the Middle East resurrecting random pets, you know. This is a special favor.”

John 4:53 And so, the Lord waited three days, and with great intrepidation, opened the box.But inside the box there was nothing.
“Deja vu”, Jesus said.
“You already looked?”. Schrodinger was crestfallen.
“No”, said Jesus. “I don’t mean it literally.”
And the two of them looked in awe.

John 4:54 The Lord left Schrodinger, and walked to the mountain. He sat on the mountain, and became lost in thought.
“I wish I knew where that bloody cat had disappeared to”, he said. “Its wavefunction should have been constrained; that’s a square well in 3-dimensions; even an undergraduate knows the calculus for that one.”
The bush next to him chuckled.
“Dad, knock it off.”

About Simon Cooke

Simon Cooke is a video game developer, ex-freelance journalist, screenwriter, film-maker and all-round good egg in Seattle, WA. The views posted on this blog are his and his alone, and have no relation to anything he's working on, his employer, or anything else and are not an official statement of any kind.
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